


Tentacle Fisting

by nathaylee



Series: Avengerstuck [1]
Category: Homestuck, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Avengerstuck, F/F, F/M, Humanstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 11:02:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2619380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nathaylee/pseuds/nathaylee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shit's going down in New York, and who deals with that? The Avengers, of course! Captain America leads a team of Earth's Mightiest to take down a tentacled threat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tentacle Fisting

"Iron Man, report."

"A little late for that, isn't it?" The armoured figure swooped under a flailing tentacle. "You're already within eyeshot of the beastie, Cap."

"What the heck is this thing, anyway?" Hawkeye asked. A crackle of static echoed in everyone's earpieces and Widow swore. "Jesus, Blackie, that was just fuckin' rude--"

"I call it as I see it, darling." She brought up a gun and barely squinted as she hit the creature in the pupil--one of many.

"Aww, I love you too, sweetums--"

"Guys! We need to focus!" snapped Cap. The shield hit a flailing appendage just in time to let Spiderman slip away. He flipped Cap the bird cheerfully and swung up the side of a brownstone building. "Any sign of John?"

"Not at present," Callie stated over the comms. "The, ah, bridge to Asgard has not yet been repaired, as we all know, and Dr. Foster is--"

"Roger, Banner." Jane caught her shield and whipped around to attack again.

Dirk rolled his eyes and fired his repulsors. A few smaller tentacles were fried to ash, but a slick, barely-singed one curled into a sort of fist and made for him. _Tentacle fisting, wow_ \--"Cap, we're just irritating this motherfucker, we need a plan." He dodged effortlessly and fired again. _Bullseye._ "Preferably a good one. I mean, we can probably work with a deeply flawed theory, at least I can, but when a fucking huge genetic experiment is wrecking the organic farmer's market--!"

"Relax, buster, I've got this." Jane narrowed her eyes. She wished she could wear her glasses with the cowl, honestly, contacts were good for her peripheral vision, but she just liked the weight on her nose--there, a gap in the writhing centre. She braced herself as it shut, waiting for another opening. "Hawkeye, look for gaps in the centre and focus your fire. Avoid explosives, I'm going in. Widow, pick a spot and use your Bite. Strider, do what you do best."

"What about me?"

She chanced a look over her shoulder and grinned fiercely at Spiderman. "Restrain it with your webs. We're gonna give it hell."

He shuddered visibly. "Um. Is anyone else terrified that the literal representative of the American people is endorsing uninhibited violence? I know I am."

"I can't fucking imagine who isn't terrified by her determination," snarled Coulson over the comms. Even Jane rolled her eyes as she raised her shield. "Be careful, Captain, I don't intend to be drafting any press-releases-slash-eulogies. Rhapsodizing about your virtues is going to make me fucking sick."

"Shut up, Karkat, no time for your monologues," sang out Roxy, "Iron Dick over there probably has oodles to say." An arrow or five thudded into the shuddering tentacles.

"What have you been hearing about my dick, Lalonde?" Dirk asked. "Do I have to rattle the cages in legal and start another defamation case?" He swerved through the outer layer of waving flagella and blasted as many as he could to cinders.

"There's no such thing as bad press," Spidey countered. The eyes of his suit glinted in the sunlight as he used his web to pull himself around and around a bundle of tentacles.

"Coulson, any word from the agent who discovered the threat?" asked Black Widow. Rose slid a gun back into its holster and flicked on her Widow's Bite. _Time to eviscerate._

"He's stuck in medical, something about the goop on the tentacles, it isn't coming off and it's eating at his hair--"

Spidey raised a hand from where he perched on a balcony. "I move that we don't get too close to this thing, I know I like my hair--"

"Seconded." Dirk slowed and hovered by the largest webbed group of flagellum. It thrashed a few feet to either side, but seemed fairly secure. "Jesus dick, this stuff is pretty good." Spiderman made a thumbs up and Dirk returned the gesture. "Kid, you're welcome to join the team. Team? Group? Conglomerate? Whatever."

"Nah man, you'd scare off my girlfriend."

"Ooh, girlfriend?" interrupted Jade. "Tell me more!"

"Get off the--wait, how are you--"

"Banner let me in the lab! And the password for the comms is just too easy..." There was a short, sharp crack that left everyone but Dirk wincing, and Callie's clear voice came on.

"Jade here offered to help me out with a certain computer virus I got, and now she's...reorganizing my files? No, dear, that's not--"

"Clear the comms," Karkat spat. "Captain, your call."

All but a very few of the wriggling limbs were bound or wounded severely. Rose had disabled the vast majority of the inner flagellum, barely breaking a sweat. Jane stood astride a singed tentacle in the rough centre of the carnage. "Yeah, we're good."

"Thank fuck. I need a drink." Jane could almost hear Roxy's knuckles cracking over the comms.

"Not til we're done with clean-up, Hawkeye--"

"My hawk eyes are tired, Cap, I just wanna relax with a martini."

"I second the motion," Dirk cut in. He steered the suit around the perimeter of the rubble and debris, noting the pedestrians starting to explore the wreckage. "Hey, Son of Coul, where the SHIELD techs at?"

"They're on their way, Strider, just get the fuck on with crowd control, or, I don't know, tentacle disposal, whatever the fuck you're good for--"

"You're not getting any of the good stuff with that language."

"Well, guys..." Spidey gave an exaggerated stretch. "You seem to have this shit under control..."

"...But you're outie?" Jane rolled her eyes. "Colour me surprised."

"I thought you were coloured red, white, and blue." Spiderman pulled a pair of aviators out of a small pocket in his jumpsuit. "But yeah, the outie conclusion was justified. Toodles." He slid the sunglasses on over his mask, shot a stream of webbing up to a nearby balcony, and slingshotted away.

"Guy sure knows how to make an exit," mused Dirk. 

"Avengers, you're getting distracted--"

"Calm down, Kar, we'll get it done eventually," Roxy purred. Her boots hit the fire escape of the highest building with a clang. 

"Agent Barton, your tone is completely inappropriate for a--"

"Heck off, you jag, you've been swearing all day!"

Jane gave up and shoved the cowl off her head, tuning out the bickering. "Strider, keep circling overhead. Make sure no civilians get too close to the mess. Do a little dance if you have to, just distract them."

Dirk angled his flight closer to the ground. "Roger, Rogers. Shit will be taken care of."

Jane rolled her eyes, but ignored the pun. The sooner he lost an audience, the sooner he would get on with what he was doing. Hopefully. "Widow, you've been quiet far too long. Status?"

"Oh, I'm perfectly alright. This hipster trying to collect DNA samples? Not so much, I'm afraid." A slight gurgling sound came through over the comms. 

"Keep him alive!" Jane exclaimed. 

"He's fine...I promise. He didn't even scuff my boots." Rose sounded characteristically contemptuous.

"Hawkeye, meet Widow and keep this guy in custody. Guard the perimeter on that side and keep civilians away from the...body? I guess it's a body."

"Aye-aye, Captain." Roxy saluted and leapt down the last few steps to the ground. "Widow, location?"

Jane let the conversation wash over her as she turned to survey the battlefield--which was exactly what the ordinary farmers' market had become. "Coulson, ETA of SHIELD techs?"

"They're still not there? Son of a fuck..."

"I got this." Dirk performed a graceful pirouette and segued into the robot as a growing crowd applauded. "I could do this all day."

**Author's Note:**

> just in case people are confused, here's the main lineup:  
> Cap - Jane  
> Iron Man - Dirk  
> Hulk - Callie  
> Hawkeye - Roxy  
> Widow - Rose  
> Thor - John  
> Spiderman - Dave  
> Coulson - Karkat  
> Jane - Jade
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll continue with this...but commenting if you want it to would REALLY motivate me :P


End file.
